Acceptance: The One Thing All Gay Men Want But Cannot Give Each Other

If you think about it, the gay community is actually pretty diverse. We are men from all walks of life, ethnicities, religion’s and we span the globe. Yes, we are all attracted to men, but other than that, what else do we have in common? Not a whole lot. After truly thinking about the commonalities we share, the only other trait we all have, is that we yearn for acceptance. Worst part? We can barely accept each other and are the first to tear each other apart.

When we were younger, we had to accept the fact that we were different. We weren’t like most boys who were fantasizing about women. We were boys who fantasized about other boys. For the most part, we were more feminine than most kids on the playground and didn’t really have a “place”. Not invited to play sports with the boys and rarely included to hangout with the girls, we had nowhere to go.

This feeling of not having a place stuck with us throughout our years in school. Although some of us came out throughout middle school and high school, we still no matter what, were “the gay kid.” The label made us easy targets for teasing and pushed us further into isolation. The words “faggot” and “queer” were slung our way in the hallways. We did our best to not let those words affect us, but they did. It made us feel horrible about who we were as gay men and we started to question ourselves and if we were lovable.

Because we were so torn down when we were younger, some of us, as gay men, have turn into the bullies that once picked on us. Whether it’s hating on the new guy, making fun of someone’s weight or even just speaking negatively about a friend for no reason, we have become the person we most dreaded.Some of us believe that the only way to build ourselves up, is to tear others down. This is not the case and it should be corrected.

Personally, I am guilty of doing everything I just mentioned. I have no excuse but I have fallen into the typical “bitch gay” stereotype on numerous occasions. Making fun of someone’s insecurities has become part of our culture. “Reading” someone or “throwing shade” is just another way making fun of someone, and gay men has mastered the art.

Remember not too long ago, we were ALL on the other end of vicious words and to this day still feel the pain of being called them. Although we are not calling each other “faggot” or “queer”, the words we say are just as piercing and unnecessary. As a community, how can we expect the world to accept us, when we cannot accept each other? Although diverse, we ARE a minority and as a community, we should stick together, be our biggest cheerleaders and simply start cutting each other some slack.

Why Are So Many Gay Men Single…When They Don’t Want To Be?

Let me start by saying that I am single and DO NOT WANT TO BE.  Yes. I. Said. It. I admit it. I want a boyfriend. I am in the singles boat and am rowing against a VERY strong current. Yes,  I want someone to go to brunch with on Sundays. I want someone to sleep over night and wake up to them in the morning. I want someone to call me during the day to see how I am doing. I would like to be able to introduce someone to my family and want them to hang out with my friends. Call me desperate. I don’t give a shit. I want a boyfriend.

After doing some soul-searching, and talking to a couple of my friends, I realize that I am not the only gay man who feels this way. I am going out on a limb and saying that gay men (not all) who are in their twenties, thirties and even forties, have a hard time not only settling down, but admitting to wanting a partner. What the fuck is wrong with us? Why are we so embarrassed about wanting a significant other? We’re all deserving of love, aren’t we? Sometimes I truly feel like I am not…and it blows but, I have a feeling I am not the only one who feels this way.

I believe that my lack of self-confidence is what keeps me from allowing myself to be in a committed relationship. For some reason, I don’t feel as though I deserve someone. Lack of self-confidence can stem from many issues (literally could name thousands but I don’t intend to diagnose myself). Although we hate showing it, gay men are extremely self-conscious. Each and every one of us. Whether it be something on our body, like not having a big enough dick, or having too big of a waistline, or not driving the latest BMW, we all have something we truly dislike about ourselves. This lack of self-confidence mixed with slight self-hatred has played a large part in dating life.

Here is a typical dating story for me. I meet a guy who I am personally attracted to. Whether it is on Grindr (not recommended), through a friend, or even at a bar, we hit it off. We go on our first date (YAY!). Of course it is awkward. I’m sweating, he’s not speaking, we’re both over drinking but then we finally both settle down and start a good banter. We get to the point where we keep making eye contact and have those welcome pauses in our conversation…the spark is clearly there. We sit for hours talking and we end the date with a kiss (THAT IS IT. Word of wisdom, don’t sleep with someone you like on the first date. Sexual attraction is important but why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?)

The next morning, one of us sends the awkward first text, and the relationship starts to grow. THIS is where I go wrong. When I realize that someone is into me, I start asking the “What ifs?” “What if he actually isn’t into me?” “What if he won’t like having sex with me?” “What if I’m more into him than he is into me?” And it just keeps going, going, and going.

Eventually I talk myself out of liking him only because I worry that he will not like me. Self-sabotage kicks in, he loses interest, and all my insecurities are to blame. This has happened to me numerous times. For whatever reason, I am more worried about what he will think about me rather than WHAT I WILL THINK ABOUT HIM. Why can’t I put my needs and wants first? Why do I want him to like me so badly? I care, because I like him and although I can accept his flaws, I am worried he will not be able to accept mine. I self-sabotage in order to protect myself….not good.

Accepting who you are as a person is a long and dramatic journey, but it is worth the work. As gay men, we go through the process of accepting that we are different from a young age. Once we come out, we think that we have accepted ourselves fully. NOT THE CASE. Right now I am going through the stages of accepting myself and being comfortable with my flaws. Yes, I am dramatic. Yes, I am not making as much money as I want to be. And yes, I am usually the only one at a Weho pool party without a six-pack. Am I okay with it? Kind of. I’d be lying if I were to say I was completely comfortable in my own skin. But what I have realized is that these flaws do not make me unlovable. Just because I may not like these certain aspects of myself doesn’t mean that someone else won’t be able to look past them, or even fall in love with them.

I know, I rambled. Thoughts? Share! Would love to hear what you have to say!